Building under Construction

“Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build my house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored,” says the LORD. “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the LORD Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with your own house.” ~ Haggai‬ ‭1:8-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

For so long I was in denial, for way too long. I was always in a search to find. To find what exactly I’m not sure. But nothing was ever enough for me; nothing! From the outside looking in many thought my life was all together, and for the most part it was! I had a loving family and most importantly their support in almost everything I desired. However even that wasn’t enough for me. I was always very ambition from such a young age to be something that will leave an impact in someone else’s life. I couldn’t explain how that made me feel. However even that at one point wasn’t enough. Nothing was good enough.

You might be thinking, “Ok stuck up much”. I even thought that about myself, but it wasn’t that. I was in denial of the emptiness I felt inside, before I even knew what the word meant. I will try to fill myself with things that I believed will make me feel good. Things that will make me love myself to the point that it felt good to be able to look at myself. The more I tried, the more empty I felt. Along with that every other question lingered in my mind. Why am I here? Why do I feel this way? Why can’t someone see me for me? How do I explain this feeling? How can I ask for help without someone labeling some mental health issue? I wasn’t crazy, but I never felt normal. What is normal? The thoughts haunted me and the deeper I got in trying to fix myself. The deeper I got the more lost I felt. The more I reached out for help, the more I lost my voice. I was completely lost. So I thought…

There was this one time where life just threw me a hardball right in my life! I felt suffocated, my worth was at its lowest basically nonexistence. It was the first time where I cried out loud to God. It wasn’t forced, no one was looking at me, no one told me how to do it. The first tear that came down my cheek, was the first time I felt God healing me from the inside out. I always heard of restoration but it’s different when it hits you personally. Tears were just coming down my race faster than I can catch them. There was a point where I gave up trying to catch these tears and just felt the need to dance. I danced my pain, my anger, my desperation, my need, my heart. I couldn’t find the words to explain to God what I was feeling but I knew that night that He saw me and understood everything. The load of the tears falling, was so loud that my spirit heard it echo repeatedly. My heart couldn’t help but run to God as fast as it did.

I know I’m not the only person who has ever felt this feeling and not be able to explain it. That’s where the beauty is. That moment that you feel a shift and can’t help but to move with it; yet not understand it. God is a god of mystery! That night where I was lost of words He knew that it was the moment where He was able to speak to me and I was able to hear Him. There was no other voice but His speaking. That was the first time I gave God my whole heart.

My whole heart was now in His hands, and in need of a new home. I couldn’t live in the same body that caused such damage to my heart emotionally. You see when we take that step with God, we need to do it completely. I know many things come to mind such as “can I handle this”? “What am I going to get out of it”? And the biggest thing; loving someone you have never known or can’t see. The unknown is scary! But living knowing and feeling as a trespasser is even more scary. Everything clicked when I depended 100% on God. My heart was able to habitat in its new home ( my new body). My old self was no longer overpowering me, because my soul found a reason to seek. My soul was able to feel united with the heart it was given, and the mind that it was given.

We get caught up always looking for something that we miss all the signs, all the caution signs that God is holding up! But there is where we see HIS GRACE! Those moments where we hit rock bottom and He’s there ready to pick us up and not hold out a score card of our fails. Although we get caught up in life and our own thoughts, He is still working to fix the mess that we have yet to know we’re getting ourselves into. While we ruin our own home (body), He is preparing our new home. While we wander lost, He is mapping how we are going to get to Him. While we cry out in desperation, He is opening His hands and giving. While we fall, He is there making sure that the fall doesn’t kill us. While we fill empty, He is getting ready to fill us up. While we fight to know why us, why now, He is clearly things for we could see that every storm has an end. While we are breathing, He is moving constantly in our favor! He is always doing even if we can’t see it in the moment.

There is transformation in the Lord. There are new beginning in the Lord. There is a new home in the Lord. There is a new you in Lord. There is always a refresh button on every morning we wake. There will always be something new when we are with the Lord. Your ruin home got ruin when you got too busy to see and hear God. Slow down and breathe for a second and hear.